Red Vs Blue: Blood Gulch Cronicles
by Lxshr
Summary: A basic novelization of the RvB series, in a format that one episode is one chapter. second chap up.
1. Why Are We Here?

Red Team:

Simmons:

Well it was a normal day for us at blood gulch outpost Number one, Me and dumbass were gaurding the base from the blues. and this set off my thaught prosses thinkign abotu there evil plans and then it hit me. What are there evil plans? what are our own plans? we just stand out there and talk and the blues think we know what we are doing but in reality i dont think we do know what were doing. so what are we doing? Why are we here?

So i decide to ask Mr. Sensitive about it i pose that very question to him. "Hey Griff why are we here?" Being the idiot he is he must have figured i asked some big celestulare question. so his answers all like "I dunno man. Is there evin a god? Am i suposed to be here for some specific purpose? Why _are _we here?" and for once it seems Griff just might be more then the local twinkie contest eatign compatestion champ (he is the only competeder but we let him do it because it makes him feel alittle better about being a fatass.

Griff:

He asked me why i am here. He wanted to talk about soem huge celestial phenominon, Why am i here? Why is anyone here? Why dose Simmons know what we are doign and i don't? So i make a spech and as it turns out... he wonderd why we we're just standon on the roof of the base. So that ment i had to explain to him the whole prosess all over again. but insted her just confused me more.

Simmons:

Okay let me try again. I correct Mr.Cristian and ask abotu why we evin have a base in the middle of nowhere with no purpose whatso ever exept to fight a bunch of guys because there armor is blue and our armor is red. To me it seems that the blues began to build a base so somone at red comand says "oh fuck that!" and decided to put a red base on the other side of the canyon. And the blues see that so they say "oh hell no!" and put some troops there, and so red comand is like "you crafty basterd!" and puts us here... and its been a build us of that for about 2 months... the thing i can't figure out is why they expect an army consisting entirely of 3 people is gonna beat the countless troops at blue comand. so as i ponder this with Griff the sarge calls us down to the front.

Blue Team:

Tucker:

Church... What can i say about Church... He is an asshole, he never lets me use the snyper rifle and always makes me wait for him to finish dinner before i can eat what he didint feel like finishing. and he is always yelling at me. "No you sweep along the grain!" "Don't use all the hot water for your cold shower!" "dont aim that thing at me!" He is alway un resonable like that. So hes spying on the reds though the snyper rifle and i cant see so i ask what those guys are doing. and you know what he dose? he yells at me some more.

Chruch:

Tucker is a huge dumbass. he can't do anything right. "Sweep along the grain!" i tell him yet he dosent evin know what that means obviusly! and he uses all the hotwater for his "70 min shower time" i doubt there is any washing going on there at all anyway, but he coudl at least not use ALL the hot water. and worse yet the asshoel shoots me! i evin told him "Dont point that thing at me!" and he did anyway and then it gose off. so i try to get though ONE day without his shit i asked him very politely "sit the fuck down! shut the fuck up!" and then he stands next to me nearly pushing me off the ledge. And so i figure "dumbas thats strike one! and there are only two strikes in this game" and so abotu an hour passes and tucker makes strike two he gose like the idiot he is and asks "What are they doing?"... oh my god! "God danm man cant you just shut up!" and so more time passes and he asks again... and again... as if he has nothing better to do then stand behind me wanting to be part of some sort of team or somthing

Tucker:

I mean come on! we are suposed to be part of a team or somthing man. i just want to know what they are talking about and he wont evin give me that you woudl think he was the leader or somthing.

Chruch:

Being the leader i decided to use my athority to give him information. "They're just standing there, and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they _ever_ do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from _now_, when you ask me "What're they doing?" my answer's gonna be "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!" So i figure he's doen right? and i can go in peace but he has to be a dumb ass and ask me another question

Tucker:

"what are they talkign about?" i ask him and he dosent evin give me a good answer. its almost liek he hates me or somthing.

Chruch:

God i hate tucker.


	2. Reds Get A Chupa

Red Team:

Simmons:

So me and Shithole are going around to meet Sarge cause he said somthing about a delivery. I figure its next months rations of food, Meaning we would need to sit though Griff eating another 200 twinkies in 20 min. But we get down there and...

Griff:

... we get down there and its this car thing . Danm It! i wanted my twinkies...

Simmons:

I think Griff was disapointed about it. But i got shotgun so dosent matter

Griff:

The basterd called shotgun.And if that wasent the worst of it Sarge said we were gonna get a rookie. Meaning i would need to share rations, he can have my carrots but i get my Twinkies! But anyway sarge begins to explane how the car works... and some other boring shit i diditn realy listen... Ooh exept that for some stupid reson the thing is called a warthog. It didint evin look like a pig... it looked like some cat or somthing, liek a lion, or puma.

Sarge:

Griff... what a dumbass, i sould have simmons kill him in his sleep. Puma.. What in same hell is a Puma. the retard is just makeing up animals. heh So fine i give him a valid chance to rename it his pick, Leprichan... Peggasess... Griffin... Chupathingy... You name it its the car's name.

Blue Team:

Church:

We keep spying every five min still hearing the drone of "whats are they doing?" "whats going on?" "whats that" and then i see what he's talking about, they got some sort of car thing. Probably has soem cool code name to liek Chupachabra. But it looks all sleeked out and has these little fang things on the front... liek a Puma or somthing. But then Tucker starts bitching to me about chicks.

Tucker:

Danm it! they get a chick magnet deliverd to them! and Church dosent evin care.

Church:

i dont care abotu a "chick magnet" i mean come on! we are abotu 20 thousand lightyears from any chick inhabited planet anyway. besides we are getting a big as tank in the next drop.

Tucker:

YOU CAN'T PICK UP CHICKS IN A TANK! its horror! maddness!... I'll never get aid out here!


End file.
